Enough

I’ve felt like a failure for some time now, so it’s not really a new feeling for me.

 

Failure at job a, b, and c;

being a daughter, wife, student;

failure at relationships, friends, lovers;

talking, laughing,  eating;

being beautiful, skinny, successful;

again and again and again I prove to the world

just what a worthless waste of breath I am.

 

Everyone has always told me what an intelligent girl I am. It was the one thing everyone could agree on, whether it be referred to positively or negatively; whether or not I was a wicked-smart girl who thinks beyond her years or a calculating, manipulative little bastard who sought only to benefit myself, everyone at least admitted I was bright. I relied on this heavily throughout the years as I flunked out of classes (mostly due to sleeping or skipping) and spent the better part of my school time in and out of the principal’s office. I thought I could get away with murder because I was ‘smart’. The problem with having something you excel at is that there’s always someone better. There’s always someone faster, skinnier, stronger… there’s always someone smarter. I make stupid mistakes. I do stupid, stupid shit. I’m not a 22-year-old prodigy, I can’t even sustain a full-time job. I’m the college drop out that can’t make it in the real world. The drug addict who’s begging for the next fix. The bulimic stuffing her face with endless donuts and burgers. The nutcase that keeps getting locked up for hurting herself. So yes, I’m slightly above average intelligence (which doesn’t mean much in today’s remarkably ignorant society.) But that means nothing because it’s not enough. Not enough to be great. I can’t process how the stock market works. I don’t know anything about history, or anatomy, or politics. I don’t speak any second languages. Hell, I can’t even trouble-shoot my own computer half the time. I’m never going to be smart enough to be great. To do something amazing. To change my life into something worth while. To make everyone proud.

I’m just not enough. Of anything.